I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
