everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize