I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
