So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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