no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
