i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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