Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
