I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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