Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
another moral hangover. fuck.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
