threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
