Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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