shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I touched a dick in church today
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
