Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
