Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
