Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He passed out mid-signature
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
