Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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