Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
