Welp...herpes.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just high enough for therapy.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize