im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
