the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize