New invention idea: vibrating tampons
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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