i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
