Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
