I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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