I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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