between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She's the barista slut.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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