if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
