I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
