my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
