she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
