Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
