I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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