hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
