she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
