I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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