Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
