I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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