Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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