If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
