I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
