the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
