dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
