I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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