New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
