My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
