I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
