I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize