anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
