I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
