she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
