So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
