thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
