he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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