just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
