loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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