Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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