Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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