How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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