at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
