well most of my day revolves around power hour
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
